Tell me more!

"Can you tell me more?"  Ask it often.  It is to conversations what fresh-baked bread with soft creamery butter is to a meal.  ~Andrew Sobel & Jerold Panas

Tell me more, tell me more…For those of us who can remember back to 1978, that's when John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John starred in the musical film Grease.  If you remember the film then you can probably hum the tune of Summer Nights with the lyrics, "tell me more, tell me more."

Tell me more…three very simple and powerful words that are used way too rarely.  Those in leadership will frequently say that they believe they need to listen more.  I agree!  However, listening does not include providing a solution, a fix, or a defense.   All of those things require talking and talking is not listening.  The point of listening is for someone to feel heard.  How can we feel heard if our statements are met with a defense or a fix that seems utterly obvious to the person offering it?

One of the hardest things for leaders, especially CEOs, is to just listen, nothing else, just listen.  When an employee is venting about their dislike of a policy or their disenchantment with how leadership is living out the organization's values, imagine if that CEO said something like, "You sound really frustrated, could you tell me more?"  As opposed to providing a mini three-point sermon as to how that employee's perspective is totally and absolutely incorrect.

BONO has referenced an illustration used frequently to demonstrate the power of really listening.  "It has been said that after meeting with the great British Prime Minister William Ewart Gladstone, you left feeling he was the smartest person in the world, but after meeting with his rival Benjamin Disraeli, you left thinking you were the smartest person."  I wouldn't be terribly surprised if Disraeli used that simple but powerful question, "Can you tell me more?"  

In order to ask that question, it may mean we have to harness our own angst and desire to "correct" or "fix" and let the other person continue.  Or, it may mean we need to let the need to share our own similar success stay in our head and not pass over our lips.

"Tell me more" builds relationships and strengthens trust.  "Tell me more" communicates that you care.  "Tell me more" makes people feel heard!

Andrew, one of the authors of today's quote tells a story of agreeing to a lunch meeting with his business banker.  Something he'd been putting off.  They went to lunch.  Throughout their meal, she (his banker) talked about the progression of her career at the bank, her vacation, and showed him pictures of her grandchildren.  Suddenly, she realizes how much time has gone by and announces that she has to leave.  Andrew is left nearly speechless.  She didn't ask him a single question.  She knows nothing about his experience at the bank, his future plans, to say the least about who he is personally.  Even one question followed by "tell me more" could have created a completely different experience for Andrew, and ultimately for his bank!

Ralph G. Nichols, author of Are You Listening and pioneer in the study of listening skills said, "The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood.  The best way to understand people is to listen to them."  

Why not ask someone today, "Could you tell me more?"